Disappointment

Today was Beth’s birthday party. I considered cancelling it due to Anne’s recent illness and hospitalization, but then decided to have it as scheduled. Henry is gone 17 hours a day, Monday thru Friday, between his two jobs, so I knew it was my job to prepare for the party.

He had told me to leave what I could for today, so he could help me. I do not do well with last minute preparation; I end up anxious, stressed and crabby. So I did as much as I could and was proud to have everything bought, except the food being picked up today, by Friday afternoon. All that was  left was the cleaning.

Disappointment #1, he woke up irritable. Upon returning from an errand, and having a very tense breakfast, I had to send him to bed, because his mood swings (due to unregulated glucose levels) were upsetting the girls. I had to get the house ready for company by myself, which meant Beth and Anne were ignored, because I was overwhelmed, while he was napping.

Disappointment #2, he was completely antisocial during the party, watching TV and only talking to his friend or father. The only interaction he had with the kids were negative ones, and my heart broke more, the longer the day went on.

Toward the end of the night the girls were struggling, Anne especially was melting down over everything and Beth was getting agitated. I was exhausted and really needed his help. Disappointment #3, he could not stop himself from being the crabby, nit-picking daddy; the daddy he hates to be, but nonetheless becomes when his glucose levels are not regulated. Needless to say, I was greatly relieved when he said he needed to go to bed.

Today is one of those days, when I am beyond grateful for Al-Anon. I kept my mouth shut (silence is better than angry words), worked my program and did not make the situation worse. In Al-Anon we are reminded that “expectations are predetermined resentments.” My expectations for the day, were that he would be the fun-time daddy they were longing for all week. He was not that man today, and so I find myself filled with anger, disappointment and resentment.

Tonight I will go to bed talking to God, and asking for help in reconciling my heart and mind. My mind knows that Henry had a VERY stressful week at both jobs, on top of Anne’s health concerns. My mind knows that he did not purposely upset us today. My mind knows he is working through his own stuff, and needs the space to do that. My heart, on the other hand, is hurt; which always brings the negative thoughts to the forefront. When that negativity gets a hold of me, all I do is sit on the “pity pot.”  My heart and mind will talk, so that I remember  all the reasons (and there are MANY) that I am blessed, and proud, to have Henry as my partner in this life. Tonight, as I converse with God, I will replace the negatives with positives; I will stop judging and start loving more, so tomorrow can be a better day.

 

Have a blessed day everyone, and don’t forget to smile. ♥

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